Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
