my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he thought i was a dude.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
