god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My vagina is officially offended.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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