I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
