I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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