your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
