I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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