Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
