i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
