remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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