My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
