I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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