Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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