He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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