the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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