dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
