I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
try to milk me bitch
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
