just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize