If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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