someone get that fucking seahorse.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
