what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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