I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
