yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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