If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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