I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize