apparently the secret to your success is patron
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
