Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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