What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
