OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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