I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
