I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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