is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
