I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
