So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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