are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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