i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
two words: eviction party
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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