It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
