watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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