I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
