Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
