My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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