I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
