His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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