You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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