Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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