i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
