I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
God gave him joint rollers for hands
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
