Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
