his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
