sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
