why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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