My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
