Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
