I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Floor bacon is actually really good
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
