I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
