I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
