I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Small penises have feelings too.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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