This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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