So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
