well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
