i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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