I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
