my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
