I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
