Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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