Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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