I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
