you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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