You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
