do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
