So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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